I am a huge fan of parents who have the capacity of seeing their own children, without projecting on them all their own shadows. In this modern parenting world, the “gentle” one I see many paradox. I observe (on my own flesh too) how us, “conscious parents” are drawing ourselves into full on anxiety as we try to cover the basic needs of our children, provide the right nutrition (all ingredients must be bio, fresh, blessed by the gods), find the “right” education, keep them busy but not too busy (because obviously they need to learn how to regulate their nervous system), try to keep them away from technology as much as possible, take them outside, motivate them, be gentle when they are about to kill your last remaining neurone by their well-studied ways, have a good relationship with other parents and organise play dates etc. And in the attempt of doing all this we often find ourselves being totally disconnected from our own needs, desires.
I have a hard time hearing when people “sacrifice” themselves for their children. Because that is a heavy weight that, when the kids grow up, they will carry with them and force themselves into things they perceive they supposed to do since their parents couldn’t just make the sacrifice in vain.
The question here is: how can we lovingly come to terms with not being perfect parents of not perfect kids. How can we hold ourselves with the best intentions still knowing that our kids will always have a reason to go to therapy when they grow up, because god knows we’re gonna f***k up a few things.
What is it that matters the most? Isn’t it a mostly balanced nervous system of the family as an organism? How often can we make mistakes and what are the mistakes we find forgivable and what are those that our children will always blame us for?
I think we are so able to over complicate things. And we end up running up and down like proper neurotics, trying to be good parents. The child needs from us: love, presence and the ability to see them. Truly. In their essence. Not the way we want them to be but the way they are. And to keep the relationship authentic and honest. The rest is fluff.